Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
