I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
