Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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