I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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