don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
