Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
