i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I don't deserve a penis
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
