you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
