my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
