Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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