I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
