We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Randomize
