I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
i think i just lost a toe
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
