Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
