One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
