the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
