I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
