the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I had to cum in my sink.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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