Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
