omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
