Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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