Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
