Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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