Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm getting married
To pizza
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
