the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
