no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
