She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
