I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
