I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
