he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
