i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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