Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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