I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
