Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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