rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
