when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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