a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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