There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
