A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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