Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
