my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
