Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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