So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
