Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
