i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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