Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
