we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
