Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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