Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
