...so i touched it.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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